My Nephew Is Taking “No!” to a Scary Place (2024)

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 5-year-old nephew can be incredibly loving, empathetic and connected. But when pushed to do something he doesn’t want to do, he not only refuses, but will lash out at the person in a very mean and pointed way. Not just “I don’t want to do that” but “I hate you!” “You’re not nice!” “I don’t like you anymore!” He’ll do this with adults and other kids. When playing with other kids his age, he’s often running to the adults upset and tattling on something his friend did. He loves playing with his older cousins because they play however he wants and don’t argue with him, but even with them, if he gets slightly hurt in the midst of a little roughhousing he accuses his cousin of intentionally hurting him, even though everyone saw that wasn’t the case. And god forbid if anyone chuckles in an attempt to defuse the drama and tell him it’s all fine—he will get very angry and say that they’re laughing at him. I know that my parents often feel like they’re walking on eggshells when caring for him. I also worry that he’s going to turn off other children from playing with him if he’s constantly crying foul and making accusations. His parents are concerned about this but have mostly been hoping he grows out of it. They’re considering having him evaluated for ADHD at some point. Thoughts?

—Just Says No

Dear Just Says No,

It’s a good idea for your nephew’s parents to have him evaluated. Whatever may be going on with him, it’s important to tell him that hurting or lashing out at others is not ok and have him apologize when necessary. He should be helped to understand that we all have feelings and we’re allowed to get angry, but we can’t say or do whatever we want because of that anger.

One way you all can show him his feelings are ok, by the way, even if all his actions are not, is not to laugh at or try to talk him out of his anger or frustration. You can hold him accountable for his behavior, and let him know if you think a perceived harm was accidental, but don’t behave or speak to him as though he can’t get upset. (How many people, when told to “calm down,” actually calm down?) Your nephew is still learning how to respond to things not going his way and what to do with big feelings. The adults in his life should help him do that, and be able to model what you can do when you get upset. He’s far from the only 5-year-old dealing with this, and in time, with support and guidance and appropriate limits, he should be able to learn.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are at a loss. We have an adopted teen who has been floundering for years. Refusing IEP support services, refusing chores, has almost no friends. Therapy, home supports, medication, being open about their birth story, natural consequences, attachment strategies have had no impact. Our kid is on the verge of adulthood and we know the real-life consequences are coming. Is there anything else we can do to help our child or should we leave it to the lessons life will inevitably give?

—Out of Ideas in Ohio

Dear Out of Ideas,

Your letter was pretty vague about how your child is “floundering,” and without knowing them or what’s going on, I can’t say what else you could or should be trying right now. But when it comes to helping your child or letting them absorb tough life lessons, it’s really not one or the other. You’ll always be your child’s parent. You’re meant to be in their corner for life. That doesn’t mean you’ll always be able to offer meaningful help, or that they’ll always accept your support, but in most cases, we don’t just wash our hands of our kids when they turn 18.

Some concrete ways to continue supporting your child into adulthood would be to keep paying for their therapy and medication, or providing a place to live or other material support if you can.

How much you continue to provide to them is ultimately up to you. But if you do keep trying to help, I don’t think you need to frame it in your mind as “our child isn’t experiencing real-life consequences.” They have been, and they are. “Floundering,” struggling to form or maintain friendships and relationships, needing your help and support—these are all real-life consequences too.

Having said all that: If you can’t picture your teen being ok or living independently 10 years from now, I’ve got to tell you, many other parents of teens are in the same boat. Yes, time is ticking, and I’m not discounting the specific challenges your family is facing. It’s natural to want your child to be able to move confidently and competently into adulthood. But you also need to be able to see and focus on the needs of the child in front of you. They are still a child.

As an adoptee myself, I’m not interested in pathologizing adoption or assuming it’s responsible for all your child’s struggles. But since you mentioned both adoption and attachment in your brief letter, it seems that you believe their adoption or perhaps their feelings about it are possible factors in what’s going on. “Being open about their birth story” is all well and good, but knowing something about their origins doesn’t mean they don’t have other complex questions or feelings about it.

Whatever the case may be—and whether their adoption is much of a factor here or not—the fact that they’re still struggling as a teenager doesn’t mean that therapy and other forms of support haven’t had an impact. Your child might still benefit from individual or family therapy, or they might need a different therapist with more adoption competency (or experience dealing with whatever else they are struggling with), or they might need something else entirely. You’ve probably talked a lot with their doctor and/or therapists and specialists about these challenges already—I would continue to do so, and to ask for their suggestions and advice. I know it’s not easy to keep trying to help and feeling like you’re failing. You can and absolutely should seek out whatever help and support you need; you don’t need to struggle alone, either. And of course, you may reach a limit someday, and may not be able to support your child indefinitely. But right now, your child is only a teenager, you are still their parent, and it is far too early to give up and let the world’s harsh lessons take over.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old daughter frequently says things like “no one likes her” and “she doesn’t have any friends.” This doesn’t line up at all with what her teachers report (they say she gets along with nearly everyone and is unusually empathetic and emotionally aware for her age) or what we observe (she seems to have a decent small group of friends she enjoys hanging out with, though she isn’t interested in the large cliques that require conformity and doesn’t currently have a solid “bestie”). She’s excelling in school and participates in a number of extracurricular activities where we observe her interacting, laughing, goofing off and seemingly having fun with the other kids. How normal are statements like this at this age and how worried should we be? Are they just momentary expressions of typical tween insecurities that pretty much everyone experiences at this age, or does the fact that these comments keep coming up indicate some bigger social or emotional problem?

—Mismatch

Dear Mismatch,

It’s normal for preteens and teens to feel out of place, struggle with self-esteem, or be uncertain of how accepted they truly are. But I’d be concerned about what you’re hearing from your daughter, too—no less so because her comments don’t seem to line up with reality. If she is feeling badly about herself or her situation with her peers (so important at any age but especially adolescence), she needs understanding, support, and room to share what she’s thinking and feeling. It may be typical for her age, but it also warrants care and attention.

It’s tempting, I know, to want to reassure her that what she feels or fears isn’t the case—she has lots of friends who care about her. Still, it’s possible that what she needs more is for you to acknowledge how she’s feeling. In addition to listening to her and validating her feelings (even if you don’t agree about her situation), you can also bring up your concerns with her doctor or a mental health professional. Even if she’s already been given cursory screenings for anxiety and depression, they could have missed something, or her situation may have changed.

Think and talk with her about what makes her feel good about herself. When is she happiest or most comfortable? Is it doing a particular activity? Is it hanging out with a particularly close friend? Try to make sure she has a lot of access to the things that fill her up and help her feel better about herself. You can also do your best to build her up as much as possible—tell her when she’s done something well, tell her when you’ve noticed her being kind, tell her all the things you love about her. Thank her for helping others or doing things you’ve asked her to. It might sound a bit excessive, but it really is important for her to know that you see and appreciate the good things she does. Every day, there are probably a dozen tiny opportunities for you to notice her strengths.

Know that she may have feelings you can’t take away, struggles you can’t immediately fix. That’s hard, because you want to be able to help, whatever is going on with your child. If nothing else, remind yourself—and her!—that no matter how she feels, she’s not alone. You love her, and you’re always with her.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My niece “Anna” is 8, the same age as my daughter. I frequently take Anna along with my family when we go on trips. This spring, my sister got remarried and gained two stepdaughters, 10-year-old “Zara” and 15-year-old “Zoe.” Zara gets along very well with Anna, but Zoe acts like she can’t stand her. She has mocked Anna in my hearing about her lisp and basically bullies her. My sister and her husband dismiss Zoe’s behavior as growing pains over the marriage and say that it will blow over. I am not too sure.

Recently I offered to take Anna and Zara with us on a shopping trip, only for my sister to jump down my throat and insist I include Zoe. I don’t want to be around Zoe without her father present, since there are too many pitfalls. My sister accused me of playing favorites and said now that she is married, both her stepdaughters are “equally” as much my nieces as Anna is. I told my sister to take off her rose-colored glasses. I am glad she fell in love again, but this isn’t the Brady Bunch. I have known Anna since she was born—she can’t compare the relationship here. She was lucky that Zara got along with Anna and my daughter, but it was obvious to anyone with eyes that Zoe had issues with Anna. I don’t feel comfortable driving long distances with three young girls and a surly teen who might not listen to me. Now my sister is keeping Anna from visiting altogether. My daughter misses her cousin and keeps asking why Anna isn’t coming over. I’m pissed at my sister for acting like this and I don’t know what to do or what to tell my daughter. Help?

—Zoe 101

Dear Zoe 101,

It’s ok if you feel closer to Anna than you do to her stepsisters (though ideally, you’d be open to developing close relationships with the latter, too). As you say, you have more history with Anna and know her better. And it seems fine to me if the two of you sometimes do things on your own, or for Anna to come over and play with her same-age cousin without her stepsisters. I wouldn’t think that Zara and Zoe would always want to tag along while two 8-year-olds have a playdate, anyway.

Treating Zara and Zoe like nieces and being kind to them doesn’t mean you have to excuse behavior you don’t think is right or appropriate. If you’re the supervising family member, Zoe should listen to you. And she doesn’t have a right to treat Anna badly, in your company or anyone else’s. If your sister and her spouse are permitting or enabling that behavior, that’s unfortunate, but you certainly don’t have to go along with them. You can let them know if Zoe was mean to Anna, and make it clear that there should be consequences for that.

That said, I wouldn’t just leave Zoe behind every time, no matter what, or constantly exclude her by default from fun outings. I’d want to give her a chance to follow whatever rules you set, including that she has to be polite to Anna, and take correction if needed. If she crosses a line when she’s with you and doesn’t apologize or change her behavior, there can be repercussions—one might be that she doesn’t get to go along with you the next time. You aren’t in charge of her discipline, you are in charge of the outings when there are no other parents around. Instead of always including all four girls or always excluding one of them, it seems fine to make these decisions case by case, based on an understanding that you expect polite behavior and everyone who comes along needs to be willing to follow that rule.

—Nicole

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