There’s a body rotting in the living room.
Hisoka mentions this to Illumi as they sneak in the back door of the Zoldyck manor and creep towards Illumi’s room.
“It’s probably Killua’s,” Illumi whispers. “He never cleans up his messes. Now shut up.”
Hisoka shuts up but doesn’t take his eyes off the corpse. The skin that remains on the skeleton is gray as Illumi’s sweatshirt, and the glassy eyes are being consumed by flies. The thing is disgusting and smells like year-old cat barf, yet Illumi hardly notices it.
The Zoldycks are weird.
Hisoka tears his eyes away from the body when Illumi tugs his wrist, pulling him down a hallway and into his room. The door clicks shut softly behind them.
/
[ Hisoka lounges across a couch, one leg crossed lazily over the other. He twirls a card between his fingers as a hidden interviewer asks him questions ]
Hisoka: I absolutely did not want to set foot in Illumi’s creepy-ass house. The thing looks like it was designed by an emo, 16th-century vampire with daddy issues. His family’s servants crawl around the place like maggots, and his actual family is no better. I tolerate most of them, but let’s just say Kikyo and I don’t have the best relationship.
Interviewer: Did something happen with Kikyo?
Hisoka: I only met the woman once, before Illumi and I knew each other very well. We had a slight… disagreement that may have ended with me irreparably destroying her face. She doesn’t like me very much.
/
“Killua, why is there a body over there?” Gon whispers. He points to the rotting corpse in the living room with one hand, plugging his nose with the other.
“Oh, that?” Killua shrugs. “Probably Illumi’s. He’ll take care of it eventually.”
It’s midnight -- the best time to sneak into the Zoldyck manor. The moonlight is Gon and Killua’s only guide as they tiptoe through the living room, dodging ornamental skulls and the jagged edges of expensive furniture. A day ago, Killua wouldn’t have considered bringing Gon to his house, but Killua didn’t have a shiny new Nintendo Switch a day ago. Milluki bought it for him as a gift for his fourteenth birthday, and he’d been addicted to the thing ever since, pausing his game only to tell Gon about how cool it was. Bringing Gon here is risky, but playing Super Smash Bros with his best friend is worth the risk.
Gon grabs Killua’s arm as they descend further into the mansion. Killua freezes.
“What is it?” He whispers.
“Listen,” Gon whispers back.
Killua listens. Over the whirr of the air conditioning, he can hear a rhythmic thud coming from down the hall. At first he tenses, sure that he’s hearing the footsteps of one of his family members, but then he hears a soft groan. His cheeks redden as he realizes the sound is coming from Illumi’s room.
“Come on, Gon,” he whispers, tugging his friend down the hall and trying not to think too hard.
“But-”
“It’s nothing.”
Gon, still confused, allows Killua to tug him into his room down the hall where they prepare to do a different kind of smashing.
/
[ Killua and Gon sit next to each other on the couch. Gon yawns and Killua lays his head on his hands. Both boys have dark eye bags. An interviewer sits across from them, obscured by shadow. ]
Gon: Playing on Killua’s switch was super fun! I’ve never played video games before because Aunt Mito says they’ll rot my brain, so I was pretty bad at first. But Killua helped me get better, and I even beat him a couple times!
Killua: That’s because I was going easy on you, stupid.
Gon: Anyway, we may have stayed up a little late. We decided to go to bed at around 3 am, but it was hard to fall asleep because of the strange noises coming from Killua’s brother’s room. Killua said that his brother sometimes trains late at night.
Killua: Yeah.
Gon: I don’t like Illumi very much, but I think it’s cool that he does extra training. I find it very admirable.
Killua: Yeah. Very admirable.
/
The closet door opens and Hisoka is shoved inside. He glances around the dimly lit room. Racks filled with towels, rusty tools, and medicine bottles line the walls. Compared to the rest of the Zoldyck manor, it’s surprisingly ordinary.
“Why do I have to wait here?” Hisoka asks Illumi, who is about to close the door. Illumi rolls his eyes.
“I told you, my parents often search my room, and I don’t want them to see you. No one will find you here.”
Hisoka frowns, wiping a line of dust off of a shelf. “Why can’t I eat breakfast with your family? You’re old enough to-”
“Out of the question,” Illumi interrupts. “Stop being immature. You only have to wait here for ten minutes, and I’ll bring you back a croissant.”
Hisoka scowls. “I don’t want a croissant, I want freedom! This is why I said we should go to my place. It’s much larger and we wouldn’t have to hide from your crazy family.”
“I don’t like the windows at your place. Anyone could see us.”
“It’s 200 stories in the air!”
“Bye, Hisoka.” Illumi shuts the door, effectively ending the conversation, and Hisoka is locked inside the dingy closet with only his thoughts and a few rats to accompany him. He groans loudly, the sound echoing off the concrete walls, before sitting on the floor and grabbing a rat. He strokes the rat’s fur and then pinches it, his lips curling into a smile as the thing writhes in pain.
He drops the rat when the closet door opens and Gon Freecs stumbles in.
Outside the closet, Killua says, “I’ll be back in a minute!” before shutting the door, locking the two of them in together. For a moment Gon and Hisoka stare at each other, and the closet is dead silent, save for the flickering of the overhead light. Then Hisoka starts cackling. His laughter echoes in the small space.
“Be quiet, Hisoka!” Gon hisses. “Someone will find us if you’re too loud.”
Hisoka ignores him, laughing until his lungs hurt too much to continue. Gon sits on a bucket in the corner of the closet opposite Hisoka, pouting with his arms crossed.
“So,” Hisoka chuckles, his smile wide, “why are you here on this fine morning?”
Gon sighs and looks at his shoes. “Killua brought me over to play Super Smash Bros on his Nintendo Switch. But he doesn’t want his parents knowing I’m here.” He hesitates before asking, “why are you here, Hisoka?”
Hisoka grins. “Guess.”
Gon rubs his chin, brown eyes turning to the ceiling as he ponders this. The kid’s never been the sharpest tool in the shed, but eventually his eyes light up and he raises a finger.
“I got it!” He exclaims. “You and Illumi were wrestling, weren’t you?”
Dead silence. Then Hisoka bursts into laughter again, falling to the dusty floor when he can no longer sit upright.
“Wrestling, huh?” He chokes between breaths.
Gon scowls. “Why is that so funny? Killua and I heard noises coming from Illumi’s room last night and Killua said Illumi was training. So I thought you were training together. Stop laughing at me!”
Hisoka’s laughing so hard he’s sobbing. “N-no, you’re exactly r-right. We were- We were-”
The closet door creaks open and both hunters freeze. In the doorway looms Silva Zoldyck, his massive form casting a shadow over the closet. Hearing his wife’s screechy voice for the past few hours has given him a massive headache, so he’s looking for some Tylenol. His tired eyes land on Hisoka, who smiles up at him, and then Gon, who looks pointedly at the ground. Slowly, Silva closes the closet door.
/
[ Silva sits in an armchair, head in his hands. ]
Silva: All of my sons are massive disappointments.
/
Illumi is the first to return from breakfast. He opens the closet door to find Hisoka and Gon sitting on the floor, both of them dressing up their own rats. Hisoka’s rat is adorned with his signature star and teardrop and wears a dress made of playing cards. Gon’s rat is painted green and has a small fabric hat atop its head.
Illumi shuts the door, convinced that he is hallucinating. Perhaps mother put an especially large dose of strychnine in the muffins today. However, when he opens the door again Hisoka and Gon are still sitting with their rats, and now they’re staring at him.
“Illumi,” Hisoka says, “did you bring me a croissant?”
Illumi is speechless.
Gon taps his lip with the finger he’d used to scratch his rat. “If you don’t mind, I’d like a croissant as well.”
Hisoka raises an eyebrow. “I hope you know you’re not getting my croissant,” he warns.
“I never said that!”
Illumi stares at the ceiling while Hisoka and Gon argue about croissants. He ponders what went wrong in his life to bring him to this moment, and curses himself for forgetting to take his meds last night. He tries taking deep breaths, tries counting to ten, but at last the bickering is too much and he snaps.
“Silence,” he hisses. His hair dances around his head as bloodlust oozes from his pores, making the overhead light flicker. The rats run screeching from Hisoka and Gon’s laps. Immediately, they stop talking and stare at Illumi.
“Why is island boy here?” He asks Hisoka, refusing to address Gon.
Hisoka shrugs. “Your brother brought him over to play video games and then hid him in this closet. Because no one would ever think to look for us in here, right?”
Illumi ignores the sarcasm. “Did Killua see you?” He asks.
Hisoka shakes his head. “No.”
“Good.” Illumi lets out a breath before turning on Gon. He towers over the boy and allows his bloodlust to flow like water around him. Gon bites his lip but refuses to cower, looking him dead in the eye.
“Do not inform Killua of Hisoka’s presence here. Understand?” Illumi forces his voice an octave lower to sound intimidating, which isn’t difficult, as he hasn’t taken his antipsychotics and he really, really, really wants to kill something. The voices in his head tell him to take Gon’s neck in his hands and squeeze the life from him; to watch the light fade from those wide, brown eyes. He would do it if it weren’t for Hisoka.
“I promise. I won’t tell Killua.” Despite himself, Gon’s voice quivers. He’ll never grow accustomed to Illumi Zoldyck. There’s something off about that man. “I don’t want to mess with your family matters. All I want to do is play video games with Killua. I promise.”
This seems to placate Illumi somewhat. His hair falls back onto his shoulders and he grabs Hisoka by the arm, dragging him from the closet.
“Come on. Let’s go before Kil comes back.”
Hisoka frowns. “But what about Jeffory?”
“Jeffory?”
“My rat!”
Illumi digs his fingernails into Hisoka’s arm, making him bleed. His hair is floating around his face again, and his black eyes are cold as ice.
“If you wish to see another day,” he growls, “I suggest you do as you're told. Once I take the little pills on my nightstand, you can test my patience all you like. Until then, you will not speak unless spoken too, understood?”
Hisoka nods. “Yes sir,” he says with a smile. He follows Illumi out of the room like a dog, leaving a horrified Gon staring after them.
/
[ Hisoka’s head is buried in his hands. ]
Hisoka: He is so hot.
/
[ Killua sits alone in a chair, his legs crossed, twirling a strand of hair absentmindedly around his finger ]
Killua: Gon seemed a little off when I went to get him from the closet. He was quieter than usual, and he had that far-off look in his eyes. I feel bad for leaving him there. Maybe he’s claustrophobic, or has bad memories associated with small spaces. I should’ve asked him before shoving him in there. I know Alluka doesn’t like closets, and frankly neither do I after Illumi locked me in one for a week.
Interviewer: Did Gon’s attitude continue after you returned to your room?
Killua: Nah, he was fine after that. We played more video games and had a really good time. Well, before that afternoon, that is…
/
Illumi is quiet as he leads Hisoka back to his room. The voices in his head are subdued, and he feels incredibly tired, his murderous rage having drained his energy. Hisoka, on the other hand, is hyper as a sugar-filled toddler. He walks ahead of Illumi so he can peek inside each door lining the hallway. Many of the rooms are empty guest rooms, but some are filled with weapons or expensive artifacts. The most surprising is a room near Illumi’s bedroom. Inside, a ray of light streams between blackout curtains and illuminates the figure of an old man laying atop a bed.
“Illumi,” Hisoka whispers, “I think some crusty old guy is dying in there.”
Illumi sighs, “That ‘crusty old guy’ is my grandfather, Hisoka, and he’s just taking a nap.”
“Really?” Hisoka squints. “His chest isn’t moving.”
“That’s completely normal. Don’t-” Illumi makes the mistake of blinking too long, and before he can stop him, Hisoka is by Zeno’s side and pressing his ear to the old man’s chest.
Illumi tenses as Hisoka straightens and announces, “he’s alive.” The instant the words leave his mouth, Zeno has him in a headlock. He yanks Hisoka’s head back to expose his neck and drags a sharpened fingernail over his jugular. Blood drips from the shallow cut.
“Oops. My mistake.” Hisoka smiles.
Zeno’s voice is rough with sleep as he asks, “who are you?”
Hisoka peers at Illumi who is smoldering in the doorway. “Illumi’s fiance,” he says casually.
Zeno freezes and Illumi’s bloodlust fills the room like a stormcloud. The light from the window dims as clouds pass over the sun.
Zeno blinks. “Illumi’s… what?”
/
[ Zeno sits in a chair across from the interviewer. He sighs. ]
Zeno: I’m too old for this sh*t.
/
[ Illumi and Hisoka sit next to each other on the couch. Illumi sits stiffly with his arms crossed and his spine straight as a board. He leans away from Hisoka, who wraps an arm around Illumi’s shoulders, ignoring his glare. ]
Interviewer: How did Zeno take the news?
Hisoka: He too-
Illumi: He took it well.
Interviewer: He wasn’t upset?
Hisoka: Well-
Illumi: He was not visibly bothered, no.
Interviewer: He wasn’t surprised that you, Illumi, were romantically involved with a man?
Hisoka: Why woul-
Illumi: For his age, he’s actually quite progressive-
Hisoka: Would you stop interrupting me, asshole?
Illumi: I’m sorry, Hisoka, do you dislike it when your fiance ignores you? I can see how that would be terribly annoying. What if you had something really important to tell me? Like, for example, how I told you that my family can absolutely not discover your presence in this manor. Because, if word reaches my mother that we’re engaged, she’ll stop at nothing to kill the both of us. Wouldn’t it be-
Hisoka: I said I was sorry. How much more do you-
Illumi: BE QUIET YOU STUPID CLOWN
[ Illumi smashes Hisoka’s head against the wall, and the camera jostles as the cameraman rushes to interfere. Seconds later, the tape cuts to black. ]
/
Silva Zoldyck is extremely tired. Between his screechy wife and idiot sons, his family is making him miserable and he wants nothing more than to take a long, quiet nap. He’s going to his bedroom to do just that but stops in his tracks when he notices a peculiar sight inside his eldest son’s room.
Illumi’s door is slightly ajar, and through the crack between the doorframe Silva can see the redhead clown from the closet. The clown’s hands move back and forth methodically, but what he’s doing is obscured by the door. Curiosity getting the better of him, Silva inches towards Illumi’s room and peeks through the crack. What he sees worsens his headache tenfold.
The clown is braiding Illumi’s hair. His fingers weave the glossy locks on the right side of Illumi’s head into a french braid that reaches the bottom of his ribcage. Illumi’s left is already braided, giving him pigtails. While Hisoka braids, Illumi applies liquid eyeliner using a knife as a guide. It looks good; he’s done it before.
Silva considers breaking down the door and screaming at his son that this is the gayest sh*t he’s ever seen, but the prospect makes his head throb. He gently closes the door and continues down the hallway.
He can’t believe generations of Zoldycks led to this.
/
[ Hisoka grins at the camera. ]
Hisoka: I saw Silva at the door. The expression on his face! Ha! So that’s what a man’s soul dying looks like. I considered kissing Illumi, but I thought Silva might have an aneurysm, and then I wouldn’t be able to fight him. Despite what I promised Illumi, I am going to fight him, you know.
/
Illumi’s hair is braided, his fingernails are painted (black of course), and his makeup is applied. The same is true for Hisoka, who even has tiny braids running through his short, pink hair. Now there is officially nothing to do. Fighting will draw attention, and other than makeup and hair braiding, it's the only interest they share. Hisoka would like to watch broadway musicals, but Illumi despises those (and doesn’t have a tv). Illumi enjoys torturing small animals, but Hisoka finds no pleasure in the act and hates the smell. So they’re at an impasse, both lying on their backs and staring at the ceiling (which resembles a pincushion) until Hisoka finally has an idea. He springs up, wondering how it hadn’t occurred to him before.
“Do you want to spy on your brother?”
Illumi springs up too and grins.
“Absolutely.”
They decide to creep through the vent that connects Illumi and Killua’s rooms. Illumi leads the way but immediately regrets it as Hisoka takes the opportunity to feel up his ass and… other places. Illumi hisses and kicks his hand away. His knee hits the metal wall of the vent and the sound echoes around them.
“Did you hear that?” Gon says below, his voice muffled by the wall. Hisoka and Illumi freeze.
“Hear what?” Killua asks distractedly. An explosion emanates from their game.
“Nothing. Nevermind.”
Illumi lets out a breath and glares daggers at Hisoka. Hisoka smiles and shrugs.
Spying on Killua and Gon is not as interesting as either man hoped. The two boys aren’t really doing anything. They sit side-by-side silently, their eyes glued to the tv screen, their fingers pounding into joysticks. Occasionally Gon will cheer in victory or Killua will make a snide comment, but even those reactions are boring when the tv screen is obscured. Besides, it smells in the vent. Really bad. The scent of rodents mixes with the stink of Hisoka’s sweat and it only takes Illumi a minute to realize he’s had enough.
“Turn around,” he orders, and Hisoka is happy to oblige.
When they drop out of the vent they decide to do the other thing they both like doing. Making out. Hisoka kisses Illumi forcefully, grabs his crotch, and pushes him into the wall so hard the room shakes. Illumi rifts his fingers through Hisoka’s hair and tugs his head back so he can kiss and bite along his neck. They continue like that, making their way over to the bed and losing their shirts. Illumi is lying below Hisoka, caged by his muscular arms, when Kalluto opens the door.
“Hey Illumi, have you seen my-” he stops and stares wide-eyed at his eldest brother, who stares right back. Then Kalluto turns and runs.
Illumi shoots to his feet, pushing Hisoka off him. “Kalluto, get back here!” He yells, but his youngest brother is already halfway down the hall. Grabbing his shirt, he sprints after him.
/
Kikyo is in the kitchen. Illumi and Killua are in their rooms. Milluki is probably jerking off in the basem*nt and Kalluto is haunting some corner of the house. Finally -- finally -- Silva can take a nap.
Silva stares at his bed like a lover. He runs his hand over the fluffy covers and gropes the plump pillows. Bed suitably prepared, he sinks into the mattress, moaning obscenely. If he died now he would die a happy man. Enveloped by his pillow he closes his eyes, inches away from the world of dreams.
“Papa!”
Silva’s eyes snap open. There is nothing in his room but Kikyo’s massive vanity and their oak armoire. He must have imagined the sound. He closes his eyes again.
“Papaaaa!”
He jumps to his feet as Kalluto bursts into the room.
“Papa! I saw Illumi kissing a strange man in his room! He was laying on the bed with his shirt- umph!” Kalluto is cut off as Illumi -- his hair disheveled and eyeliner smudged -- slaps a hand over his mouth.
“Don’t tell lies, Kalluto,” Illumi hisses. “And leave father alone. He’s busy.”
